“I know the pieces fit, cause I watched them fall away.” ~ Tool – Schism
I’ve tried to explain it before and I’m going to try and provide you with a more in depth analysis. Even though since the channel and the transition to this take on this blog a lot has changed.
First let me try to give you a picture of my day to day existence.
Take a mental image of who you believe you are. The essence of you. Now take that image and shatter it like a piece of glass with all the tiny shards hanging randomly around you in midair. Each shard a piece of you preventing you from seeing the whole picture of yourself. Nor can you focus on all the shards at once. You can, however identify individual pieces. If you move to look at another shard, the piece you were looking at fades, becoming the echo of a memory.
Every single day I fight with this. Every single day I feel I’m losing sight of who I was and who I am. Everyday I look at missed opportunities. I look at failed endeavors. I look at wasted time. I look at regret. I go through this. Almost every minute. Every day. With very little room for breathing. Every. Day.
“I’m wasting here Can anyone wash it all away?” ~FFDP – Wash it All Away
I’m not going to pretend I’m alone in this. In fact I have looked at many websites to help me find answers from people who have had similar circumstances. There are certain things in this life that only you can answer for yourself. My questions, my answers. Not every shard is going to tell me something and may need pieces behind me for detail .
It’s a surreal feeling. One that from what I can tell is in part a condition referred to as depersonalization; this feeling of being here, but apart from myself. One that is consistent and either due to extreme anxiety, medication conflicts or both. And part early onset midlife crisis. There’s is a struggle inside. A war of subconscious if you will. The person I think I am, the person I used to be and the person I want to be.
There is a sense of loss of control. A sense of depersonalization. Depression. Fear. I firmly believe that the one thing we should not only have control over, we should have understanding of, is who we are. Without that, it’s hard not to be scared of tomorrow.
This isn’t because I want anybody to offer my comfort or least of all thoughts and prayers. This isn’t because I want sympathy or attention. This isn’t something for you to take to heart. This is only to be mindful of.
This is something that I feel has adversely affected my life, my self-esteem, my relationship with my family. There will be others out there who may experience similar and all I can do is hope the information helps them. This is a recognition of mistakes over a lifetime that I can repair that shattered image and inevitably answer that proverbial question: Who am I?