Hold up. Rewind. I know. Where did the kid come from? Shortly after we went out to visit them, she and her friend came to live with us. A “roommate” at the time, that lived in the room in the garage, recently went to jail, because some people can’t seem to drive without a bottle of alcohol in their hand. That gave two young women a place to stay away from a house pretty much full of men.
It was however only 3 months later, I would make one of the single worst decisions of my life and send her away. At first it was exciting and lustful. We went to the beach, we drove up Hwy 1, went to dinner, watched movies and just spent a lot of time together. It was my misjudgment, whether it was through fear, external influence, past influence that I felt that she needed to leave. I told her the night before I dropped her at the airport that sending her away was a bad idea.
I still feel that way to the most part, but there is a part of me that things it was the right decision. Not because I didn’t love her. Not because she didn’t love me, but looking back on it, the external factors that added negative influence to our relationship, needed to be pushed out. Which after sending her away, I struggled with but slowly let her have the benefit of the doubt I kept from her because my own selfishness and resentment.
It wasn’t long after sending her back that I got the call. She was pregnant. I knew then my gut feeling to not send her away was correct, but the reason I may have had that gut feeling had more to it. I had wronged her. I was young. I was stubborn and I had trust placed in the wrong places. Even then, when I was being told she was lying about being pregnant or I should get a paternity test. I believed her. I trusted her. And to this day, no such test on my son has been done. No such test has been desired. As far as I’m concerned, none ever will.
I brought her back. I didn’t do it because it was right. I didn’t do it because she was pregnant. I did it because it was for me. I did it because I was selfish. There has always been question on whether we would be together without the kids and what ifs are not questions I ask as far as my life goes. There’s no logic or reason to them except to invoke regret. No thank you.
One of the proudest moments, one of my fondest memories, my greatest contribution or crowning achievement, was standing in that hospital, holding my first born and I can never think her enough for giving him to me. For sharing him with me. For raising him with me.