So tear me open and pour me out

These things inside  that Scream and Shout

It’s an interesting thing when you find the demons hiding in you.  Never really had any.  At least never knew my bad side.  I’ve seen though.  Something I thought and hoped wasn’t there.  The dark side.  I never really thought about it because I was quite assured in the fact that it was indeed not there.  It hid for so long because it never had a reason to come out I guess, waiting for it’s pivotal time to strike like a lion stalking it’s prey.  I’m the prey.

I think of myself as an honest person, very straightforward and pretty logical.  So to a fault, nothing pisses me off more then somebody arguing with me when I know I’m right.  When I say to a fault I mean it.  Sometimes when I think I’m right my judgement is clouded because I try and look at everything with a fair unbiased opinion. 

The problem that has came, is that I’ve found what I would like to think is my life partner.  I love her to death.  Our ways of looking at things at times, alot more lately then usual are so much different that when she says something what she says may not be what she means or may not be what I think it means.  Over the last year its been the cause of more arguments, that keep getting worse, then I care to have with anybody.  Usually I like a good debate, but arguing with my partner is not something I’m able to handle.  In a debate things can be said and you don’t take it to heart because that persons opinion doesn’t necessarily mean that much.  When you cherish somebody so much though and they say something hurtful, it effects you quite differently.

I feel myself pulling in too many directions at once.  The tiny ethereal threads that bind my consciousness are wearing thin, stretched to their limits.  I need some kind of release.  I need to be able to find myself again.  Who I want to be.  Am I and my girl not meant to be.  It’s a hard fact to accept sometimes and I’m really not ready to give up because of the times we’ve had.  Both of us are so stressed out about too many things.  Shes stressed because she feels theres things in life shes missing.  I’m stressed because I can’t hand it to her on a silver platter and all the while she keeps slipping farther into her depression. 

I stand at a crossroads not knowing what to do and feeling so helpless through it all, each day another piece of me dies.  I don’t want to lose my relationship.  I’ve worked too long and too hard to get this far.  At times recently I could die and not care and the only thing that keeps  that thought at bay is watching my child grow up.  He’s an awesome boy with so much drive and curiosity I want  to give him everything he wants in life.  I won’t stay with her for his benefit, that could lead to more suffering for him and anything, even my love for her will be sacrificed for his happiness.  I don’t want to let go when I think the fight is still worth trying. 

The problem, trying to keep her happy, while trying to raise my boy up right, while trying to fight my own inner demons.

 

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