“And now I see clearly. All these times, I simply stepped aside. I watched but never really listened, as the whole world passed me by.” Five Finger Death Punch: I apologize
If you have suffered from any sort of abuse, it’s possible that you’ve learned to push things down. How to project a different image to mask the pain inside. The problem is when you start to believe the image. Start to think that the projection is the real you. When that happens, you lose yourself. A stranger. Sometimes not only to you, but to those who truly know you. The ones that have seen you at your most vulnerable. It affects how you interact with people. It influences how you perceive their actions. It affects your actions. It affects your relationships.
I have spent the better part of my life feeling like I’m the butt of the joke. This has been from elementary to even recently. Whether as the outcast, or the scapegoat. In many ways I know I allowed it to happen. Later in life I even looked to put myself in that position. Why would one do that though? Comfort. Control. It’s what I’ve always known. It’s what I was used to. But when I was the one doing it, I was a part of it instead the the target. I think that I did gain a certain level of humility in it, but also a false belief that it would help me see my faults any better.
I have often withheld school in writing and in social media because I felt that time was done. Recently, if you keep up with this site, you may know already just because you’re trying to run from something doesn’t mean its dead. Just because you think you are done with your past, doesn’t mean it’s done with you. What hurts more is when you realize that running is an illusion. I always credited my school experience being a major factor in who I am today. But I only looked at the positives. I think in life I have lived and performed at a level of mediocrity. In reflection I realize that being the nerd and filling the role I did, brought on a certain lack of confidence and low self esteem. It prevented me from believing I could be more. Even today I let that control me. This is in no way to lay blame solely at anybodies feet. I never fought back, I accepted it as a fact of life and I’m culpable for that.
Even today, with the goals I have, I let the fear of failure keep me from doing. I have heard many people say that failure is the key to their success. Hell, theres even a commercial about it now. I have wrapped myself in this blanket of what I thought I was, what I wanted the world to believe I was, I lost all trace of not only who I was, but who I should or could be. I didn’t try as hard to find out either. A role portrayed with pieces of me to help keep the illusion real. I don’t think of it as deception. I look at it as a subconscious self defense mechanism. So if I was deceiving anybody, it was myself. Consider that when you create an image to protect yourself, sometimes it becomes priority to keep that image, which also can prevent you to do anything else but maintain that image, limiting yourself. It’s interesting to note that since the Quasi Charmed piece, I have felt better; like something has changed, like a major piece of the puzzle has been unveiled. It’s not the whole piece, probably not even close. However I am cautious that it is not the anti depressants.
For quite a good portion of life I have considered myself a relatively logical person and tried to live my life with a decent amount of practicality. What I do remember of the person I was and the place I was from, I hold most of my values in opposition to that environment insofar as I have recently been referred to as a disappointment from the world I’m from. For that I could give two fucks about. If trying to use documented fact and deductive reasoning is disappointment I’m happy to oblige. So stick around cause “you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.”