On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams

One of the things I find interesting about my idea of “A Hero,” is that for me, two of my top fillers is composed of completely fictional characters.  The first being Tyler Durdan.  While some may say that Tyler Durdan is a self destructive, anti-societal concept I in fact believe him to be a testament to the material lives we’ve come to lead.  The second is Lester Burnham.  While Lester Burnham met a tragic end, his journey of remembering what it was to live was something that I’m looking to do.

Lately I’ve been reflecting on a lot of different aspects of my life.  I have evaluated as many details as I can and have focused on a lot of things, most importantly getting to the roots of who I am.  I’m not the greatest computer tech in the world by any means.  I know pretty general things that I use in my job to usually get a customer fixed.  If I have an issue where a part needs to be sent I rarely have any repeat parts sent out to that customer showing that I generally get it right the first time.  As most of my friends can tell you early on I missed a lot of things in troubleshooting that I wasn’t thinking about.  I like my job.  It’s not a career, and computers aren’t quite what I want to do with my life but in the mean time of trying to find out what is, I’m good.

An interesting side to the friends thing is my friends are spread out all over the country.  The most concentrated location of that being from home in Missouri.  I miss them quite often but realized a while ago that being in that state anymore just wasn’t for me.  I wish quite often that I could see them all a lot more but living there doesn’t seem like an option to me anymore, it’s where I’m from, but it doesn’t feel like home.  Now I live somewhere for the longest time I didn’t want to ever see again.  Ironically enough though, it makes me happy.  I like the idea that I can raise my son here instead of the middle of nowhere that I’m from.  Granted he never gets to see my side of the family, but we are trying to make allocations where we can.  

I’m going in and out of a depression for the last few years and really feel quite often like I’m coming out of it.  I listen to music alot to help me through it.  There are numerous things that impact my life right now that seriously increases the amount I’m under right now but the progression itself seems to trump that for the most part.  I stopped worrying about a lot of the little things.  With what I’m finding in myself of what I want , while I don’t necessarily know everything that that is, I realize how unimportant they truly are.  

Some of you know that my relationship has been taking quite a hit in recent months.  There’s so much stress and we’ve been fighting so much that we’ve run out of patience with each other.  I really do love my girl and would like to think I can save my relationship to the point it is.  We’ve both pushed each other so far that it’s almost next to impossible because we’ve both said and done things out of anger and frustration.  For the most part it almost seems like my relationship is holding on to a dream that would only be there if we could both get our heads out of our ass.  I think, however that I have a plan to fix that so we’ll see how it goes.

I’ve sunk back a little bit into playing World of Warcraft and too a point I think that helps.  I don’t want to use it as a crutch but I’ve also not been drinking and trying to quit smoking.  It helps me escape from a lot of the problems I have left so that probably won’t be going away anytime soon.  However, it will be cutting down a lot.  Mostly for Brandon.

I love my boy to death.  He is awesome in everyway and a better child so far then I really could have hoped for.  Hes intuitive, curious, driven, smart and everything else I can hope for.  I really need to spend more time with him then I do, not to say I don’t spend any time but I don’t want to miss anything really.  I see a lot of things passing me by and frankly I’m tired of not being there.  My girl told me she thinks I’m a good dad and I believe her and really appreciate the comment but I think it’s time to make sure I’m the best.

When I started this out earlier I was expecting to rant about a lot of things, as it seems I really just wanted to talk, and feel a lot better.  It helped me work a lot of things out in my head so thanks for listening.

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