Between last night and this morning I’ve talked with my sister and my mother. I never talk to them about my personal side, feelings of discomfort or just not sure they would understand. So imagine my surprise when it’s not about understanding which I now believe to some extent that they do, it’s about my family being there to support me.
They both like Kat, and think we went well together. Maybe it’s because so much has changed since then. I keep looking for the girl that they met. And shes lost and I’m scared. It’s a viscious circle.
I’m trying to give her the break she ask for but I’m scared constantly that I might not get her back. The most messed up part is that I don’t feel I have anybody to talk to about it anymore. So now I turn back to the the blogging. It lets me vent uncensored, unabated and unbiased to peoples feelings even though I try to take hers into consideration still. She is important to me and while she may not believe it, her opinion means the world to me.
I’ll continue to fight for her. Right now I feel I have to compete against the whole world and her searching. I believe in us and my family, I have to let her find the faith too. I’m trying to stay focused and I won’t say I’m 100 percent perfect by any means. I still slip up because I’m angry about the situation. To me it was over so suddenly when I know we have so much more. There are so many things in life I had planned to do with Kat. All of a mixture of both of our lists.
As I sit and look at this blog and realize I can’t right much more. My heart is spent. My motivation has diminished to almost nothing and I stand at the forefront of the unknown. It’s in this moment, the turn of the year, that I refocused and started the fight. the fight to win over the girl I love and has said loves me in turn. Say your prayers as I make my wish for a new and better tomorrow.