Everything is different now. Years ago I fell in love with a girl under difficult circumstances. Two years ago the flame was rekindled. Now the flame has all but died and I’m told that there is no way to make it burn brighter. I still fight though. For me the fire still burns strong in my heart and I don’t want to give up. So in a way I pick my path carefully.
I stand confused by the situation. On one hand I’m told that there is never a chance, on another I’m told everything takes time. Sometimes I feel like the mood she is in that moment decides whether there is another chance. I’ve learned my lessons and understand.
One thing I’ve always been happy to do was show her off. She is so beautiful to me and other then Brandon, the only thing in life I ever care to “Show Off.” I realize that this year should be my 10 year reunion for high school. I’m not sure I care to go but if I do I would want my “trophy wife” next to me for it.
Looking back at us there were so many things we could have done. Now with how everything is happening I’ve gotten a little depressed and kept trying to talk. She told me so many times that I if I kept it up there never would be a chance because she couldn’t deal with it. She has told me for so long that what we turned into she needed a break from. Now that is all gone. It’s time to give her something new.
We’ve already talked about how at some point we forgot to be friends. Obviously that is a very important aspect of any relationship. If you can’t be friends how can you be lovers. I wonder sometimes though if I’m too conservative where shes free spirited. Always needing something new. Part of my problem of that was at one point we were still new and fresh and I know at least that I, became stagnant and I’m sure I became very boring. We used to be a perfect compliment to each other and I think we got scared and hid parts from the other. I figure to at least try is to show her that we can have fun again. Not focusing on the past but working to the future. No promises of anything just that I can show her that I am the man she fell in love with and let her see that 2008 indeed is a new year and that what she’s been trying to tell me I get and because of that I don’t want it to be too late. So I’m done focusing on the past, it’s a new year, a new Me and new ambitions.
So not hiding it, my goal is still to rekindle the flame. I won’t hide it from her that is my goal, so she knows ahead of time. So I’ve decided there are numerous things that I must do to make this work. Starting with the fact that I’m gonna take her on a date and we are going to do something new. And after we can go window shopping and look for other new things to do. This is the beginning of my new years resolutions, may Fate herself comfort me, her hand protect me and her breath forever keep me warm.
There are things with any parent that you have to learn in time. There is a lot of fear involved with raising a child which inserts into us certain reservations. We all want to see our kids grow and hopefully get everything in life that we didn’t. To give them the stuff we never had and to see them become better in life then we ever could.
In the 17 months that I’ve had Brandon I’ve learned a lot about myself. He is my priority above all else. It’s one of the most crucial things in his life that I help give him the skills and knowledge to grow and help him to make the right choices to be successful. It takes a plan that I don’t quite have figured out. It takes a lot of learning that you can only get on the way and a lot of stuff that you can gain now that it past time to learn.
Brandon is my pride and joy. When I thought of having kids I honestly never thought I’d have one as perfect as I did. All I can do now is focus on that and make sure that he gets everything he needs to properly grow and the skills required to allow him to independently learn more.
Since I made the mistake of purchasing the Sunfire my credit has slowly went down hill. It has hindered me quite often on getting things pertinent to my families needs. I disagree with people on getting the Neon though. It, to me, was a step forward in fixing things from the past and taking a step forward in giving my family the stability to actually get ahead. Granted there is a part of it that is risk but it will in fact rebuild my credit and lead me to getting my family into a house of our own. A home that is for us and nobody else.
A lot of days go by that I miss friends and family from home. The family themselves I would really like to see Brandon more then the one vacation we’ve had out there. I know pretty well that living out there isn’t necessarily for me. I really have always like living where I do now. My career could honestly pay more but that comes later. From what I understand a few of my friends have moved out of the area anyways so it slowly dwindles down. It’s true I could have more friends out here but I’m a relatively closeted person, I like what I have and don’t ask for much more. I do have obligations though, this is my friends and family and they deserve to hear from me more then they do and most importantly they deserve more time to see Brandon.
Last year I set up the goal of going back to school. I got the grant approval but never spoke to the college. In part I’m still not sure what I want, some of me wants to expand on www.zemation.com so i’m looking into Writing and Broadcasting and maybe a little bit in Web Design. Even then I’m not sure. I want to take up drawing again so maybe i’ll take some art classes for that. Use these things to help me finish my first book outline. If anything the outline. Design my characters. Kat always had a good ability to picture the characters I told her about so maybe she can help. I need to get reinspired to write more for Zemation. Lately my writing has gone to the creative side, which in all honesty without Kat for that project, even though she probably did most of the writing, I wouldn’t have even had that. Something thats always interested me was using my voice to make people just wake up and stop being stupid. Radio, the more I listen to it, is a great platform for that even if it is localized to one area. However, it is a stepping stone for something greater.
*** EDIT *** It occurs to me that I left one out. One that at this point is really important to me. I’ve smoked for about 10 years now. Been wanting to quit for half of that. Now it’s time to do so.
Now being with Kat up to this point and especially my reflection on things recently has gotten me thinking about a post I made in 2004.
I remember as a kid being excited about fireworks and not being able to wait for the fourth. I mean what kid doesn’t want to blow stuff up. Like everything else we couldn’t wait for as a kid, we let slide by as we age, not caring, not interested, we just shrug and move on. I look at life from a very different perspective then I did only 4 years ago, let alone 6. Slowly over time, our interest become different based on the cultures standard of what we should be interested in and whats for adults and whats for children. In that though, letting go of the things we cared about as a child, we lose a very big part of ourself.
I wanna grow, I wanna find new and interesting things to experience but I don’t want to lose interest in the things that for even the one night, could make me overjoyed.
On Valentines day, even if its one, I plan to give somebody, anybody, a Valentines card. Just like when I was 10.
On easter I’m gonna take Brandon on the egg hunt. I don’t care what I get, just that i find at least one egg.
On Independence Day I’m gonna light up the sky like the sun in the middle of the night. And not on the eve. The morning I’m gonna wake the neighbors with the thunderous Boom of Rainbow colored skys. Give my son the barbeque he deserves to let him have all the freedoms he gets and let him start experience life as he will know it living here.
I’m gonna dress up for Halloween and trick or treat even if i only get one piece of candy. Something with Brandon maybe don’t know what though.
I’m gonna gorge myself on Thanksgiving like we’ve always done and always will.
On Christmas I’m gonna go to a mall and tell Santa Claus that all I want for Christmans is the Turtle Van that I played with oh so many times as a child.
and i’m gonna go into it and out of it like a carefree adult, drunken to a stupor where thinking straight is a challenge and requires 3 hours of focus to know i’m still alive, where walking is only possible to make it to the bathroom where I focus on that 3 hours while i’m returning the liquor the same way i took it.
So I pledge to you, do the same or something similar, spend 08 remembering all those childhood fancies, and if you didn’t experience it then, better late then never.