Hindsight

When you look back at your life do you like what you see.  I like to think for the most part I do, but I also can see so clearly the mistakes I’ve made.  Especially recently.  I’ve lost the love of my life.  Things can be said that it’s only cause she was my first, but I found something deeper.  Something that only now, when it appears to be too late do I have the power to fix it.  Maybe I’m not fully grasping the concept of love but what I feel right now I can hardly believe that. 

So many fights about the stupidest shit you can think of.  For the most part it was never really major.  It was only escalated because of our inability to let go of each others mistakes.  There was a time when we were happy.  I remember clearly the day we walked along the beautiful sandy beach at the end of the main street in Carmel.  The happiest time of my life.

Only now at the end do I see the mistakes I’ve made, blinded by selfish pride and an unnecessary need to be right about everything.  My inability to do one of the things I told her to do back in the beginning 6 years ago….. “Let go”  It really is both of our faults, always trying to start over but never quite doing so.  A testament to what I always told her she was being when in truth in so many ways it was both of us who was being “immature”

Now it seems like it will never be again.  I still fight for it because I believe in what we once were.  I fight but still feel myself losing the war.  Two wars really cause I’m losing the internal war also.  I’m lost and floating in an oblivion of my own making from my lack of paying attention.  Something I didn’t like in myself and didn’t even know was there and whatever it was it cost me everything and I can’t let that happen again. 

They say that hindsight is always 20/20.  It’s more true then I ever realized.  Because now, here, at the end I see it all clearly.  Regardless of what people tell me she was my one.  The one who could open me up where nothing in this world could. 

This is my new testament, unbiased by the indifference of my past but not by the heart now broken and bleeding in my chest.  This is my life, and it’s ending one second at a time.

I love you Kat, forever and always.

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