The longer I spent away from home, the more jaded I became about it. As much as some don’t won’t to hear it, I found a new home. Those days were wake up trade, game. Unless it was the weekend, then it was wake up game. There wasn’t much else that was really important. It was the right place, no, it was the only place for me to be. As much as there was a lot of reasons to hate the place, I didn’t. Why is that important? Because when I think about my life now I find a disconnect that is subconsciously imposed. For the three years I had moved back to Missouri there was something telling me I didn’t belong.
At that time there were two primary concerns in my life and one of them that managed for me. When it came to computer repair I really felt I was in my element. But even today, the work I do my heart isn’t truly in it. Don’t take that to mean that I don’t like what I do. I’m happy enough to be paid to work on computers, but when you consider my roots, and how they revolve around the stories I interacted with in my youth, the Chrono Triggers and without question, the Final Fantasy’s, with the added entertainment of the table top gaming, my stories wanted to come out. My story needed to be written. At the time I didn’t realize that my story was missing something truly important though. Experience.
What I needed I wasn’t going to get yet? I came close, with the other concern in my life around this time. The other one, that for some reason I resisted at the time, was Alicia. She saw something in me that I didn’t want to or couldn’t see in myself. It was the one of the main ways, next to how Jay handled his facilitator duties, that I learned that I made excuses. I started to learn that I did it a lot more than I realized. Finally I had let Alicia in and while it felt good to be with somebody, it unfortunately didn’t last long. It wasn’t because we were incompatible, or thankfully that I even did anything wrong. For her own reasons she went home and I don’t remember either of us really thinking long distance would work. She moved on, and in a couple years I would try and seriously fail. We’ll get to that, because it was a failure that had to happen to get to where I am today.
I think the main point of this is knowing where you belong, but knowing that you can’t expect to always know. You have to find it, and if you are lucky like I believe I was you’ll find that place at the time you need to find it. There are people that can go their whole life never finding that place. There are people who go years believing they are in it only to realize they are not. When I consider where I was growing up, I left because I didn’t belong there. When I moved back there, I still didn’t believe I truly belonged there. Not believing though, allowed me the strength and courage to put myself different. Whether its, computer repair or my current job though, I feel like I belong. I found it by learning from my mistakes and stumbling through places I didn’t, but being able to leave those places too. I always thought I was weak. But as I wrote this I realized how significantly stronger I am than I thought my whole life just because I realized that being able to make those decisions, to make those changes, made all the difference.