Many people reach a point in their life where things just feel different. Imagine the level of lost you might experience when everything you were passionate about no longer held any meaning. Things you found interesting were boring. Like everything you had accomplished in life, everything you had learned, everything you had built up, no longer had any meaning cause you worked so hard to fulfill a person that slowly faded into the extinction during the process. Now there seems to be this puzzle that is me. Certain pieces are locked in their place, but theres still a million little pieces, and theres no projection of what the finished puzzle should appear as.
For as long as I can remember, my life was going to revolve around computers. Even in the beginning it was based around the idea of coding for video games cause that was the passion of my youth. Today that passion has almost all burned out a small flame exist that will occasionally pick up a controller.
This plan moved on to learning about the hardware and operating systems and for 20 years has been the basis of my career, even today which is now into Linux Administration. Now I question my interest in this, finding myself feeling like other things I want in life are escaping me as I focus all my attention on the skills and knowledge that helps me take care of myself and my family, where starting over in another field is not worth the hit I would take financially to try and start over. While this is more about a passion for spending my days working on my fantasy saga of books, I try to think realistically about how to continue my career. In a little over a month, I will be without a job as the position I hold is being moved to a new location in a different state and I am unable and a little unwilling to relocate with it.
While the severance I’m getting should allow me to remain comfortable for some time, I still need to continue on with another company, hopefully furthering my career in a field that as I’ve stated, my interest has been wavering in regards to going higher. There is a part of me that has actually considered retiring to a life where I can teach what I have learned and yes this has even considered teaching a few classes where I went to High School, or even where I went post High School, because I see not reason, why high school students can’t have an adequate education in Windows and Linux Operating Systems.
When I consider a few things I have in this list, it may be apparent that there are a lot of things on my mind and a multitude of what at this point are hobbyist interest that I would like to get to which I’m more floundering to find the energy to progress on any given specific task. Let’s consider that passion project, that source of heartbreak and fulfillment I call “Seeds of Aether.” The story itself is always on the edge, if not the forefront of my mind. That however, is still just a tip of the ice berg. The saga itself is expected to be 7 books in length and there is an overall process I consider for things that happen in book 1 as I have a general direction of the path the story takes.
I have also spent a lot of time on “fan fiction” based around my World of Warcraft Alliance Mage, Ahliarin Nepharin, chronicling her journeys as a member of the mercenary guild, Serpents of Dawn through various storylines that take place from Vanilla to Legion. Or the science fiction space thriller “The Heaven Key” that has a general outline and finish that has stoked my interest in the final chapters and what the Heaven Key actually does. My writing spills over into this very website. My desire to express myself in this form as a digital “legacy” that will always be around as far as I can foresee.
I still feel the need to continue my own education and knowledge in my field. It is an imperative that I ensure I am able to continue to take care of those people I accept responsibility for. But consider how defeatist it feels, when over the course of 5 years, you have doubled your salary, but you are still living paycheck to paycheck. So I try to make time to learn new skills through various means. For me that is a subscription to linux academy, or enrollment to an edx course from Harvard University. Where I find an issue is, while I’m learning or writing, whichever it is, I’m always thinking about the other. Distracted by one of the things I cannot or am not doing at that given time. Constantly changing my mind, or changing course and switching between the two, never really progressing on either.
If you have followed me on social media you likely have already seen the posts where I have been reflecting on things of the past. It seems to be par for the course, remember who you were to help find out who you were. Reflecting on a life long gone, regretting choices made. Choices that could have sent you down a different path. For me I think I know what that choice was as far as my career lies. I had a chance to continue in the trade school I was in furthering my education with Network + Certification or even, taking the time to learn linux 16 years ago, putting myself years ahead of the curve as opposed to where I am now. Instead I went to college, which became a years worth of basically dicking around wasting my time, making no progress. I have been making post reflecting on what I can remember of my life, somewhere along the line forgetting most of growing up, those moments being echoes of a dream of a memory or fleeting images of a past life. What I’ve learned, the more you regret your decisions of the past, the more you regret the decisions of the present.
I have spent a lot of time building up a wall between me and the outside world. Most people probably wouldn’t recognize the cowardly little man hiding behind the gruff exterior. The pillar of strength that one projects, the father, the husband, the caretaker, the friend. It’s an image that hides the shell class nerd. It’s something that has been practices well over two decades hindering what people saw. During this time, the side being hidden by this wall, slowly faced and the image became the person, but like any projection, its hollow and empty.
I have however grown comfortable in this shell to some extent. Finding myself on the willing side of coasting the rest of the way through life. This would be my settling. Settling for not striving to be more. Settling on this level because looking ahead I find myself questioning if I’m good enough at anything. I’ve often heard many times that, if you don’t try at something you won’t fail. While I know the statement is bullshit in that not trying kind of is the failure, I consider it in regards to my book, or the length of time its taking me to develop a youtube channel like I wanted, or zemation to be published as I wanted or so many other things that are not finished. Why? Because if they are not finished, nobody else can tell me I’m a failure and I can keep that privilege to myself.
I find that these feelings of wanting to do something, not wanting to fail. Wanting to learn, but feeling like I’m not good enough. Wanting to explore possibilities but not wanting to give up my comfort are all just a part of that ongoing chaos I live through behind my wall. For the most part, theres little to none other than that. SSDD as each day is a reflection of the one before it. The monotony of the repetition causing one to actually yearn for a little bit of chaos. For me it was stumbling across the SJW vs Skeptic community drama within youtube. Theres nothing like the antics of people from every day people, profession opinion on stuff they have no education in to doctors who act like junior high students to make you feel good about your life. However getting lost in other peoples bullshit, does little to help you resolve your own. In some things I’ve found, this is me hiding from something, the question is what and is it because it’s who I am or that I’m afraid of that answer?
The story that has become “Seeds of Aether” has been around for two decades. Only in the last ten has there been something of substances, with completed chapter drafts and outlines. could getting Book 1 done help me in this period disillusionment. It’s the one passion I’ve held on two aside from my wife and children. What I do no is the fleshy shell that carries me around and holds itself together in spite of the ever increasing list of health concerns that continue to rear their ugly heads.
Ultimately there is a feeling of emptiness, or rather a lack of completion to my existence lately. This started a few years ago, I think when I started getting burned out on everything, or what I though was getting burned out. A feeling of being overwhelmed in what I wanted to do, I let table top gaming fall to the way side. It was the least important of the things I wanted or needed. This went through a spending spree of amount irrelevant, which we have a new car (although I defend this as a necessity), weight machine, punching bag, TV, new computer, desk, trip to disneyland (although my kids fought darth vader so fuck you) and so many things that maybe were unnecessary, or trying to fill a hole that I didn’t realize was growing. A feeling that I have the wrong pieces for the puzzle with no idea on where to begin the journey to find the right pieces, how they fit together, or what the end result will be. I feel insecure, closed off, indifferent, inadequate, lost.
This is the beginning of my Digital DNA. This is my question. This is the crisis of infinite possibilities. The infinite answers to the question. Who am I?