And tell me, how should I feel: When it comes to you, and all the things you say

 Sometimes I get so infuratied I can’t even write.  Most of the time I like to believe that a lot of the writing I’ve done over time has come from pure raw emotion.  Early on it consisted of feelings of isolation, not being accepted, outside the social circle.  That lasted til the day I realized that I didn’t care about the social circle.  Those people weren’t for me.  I had gained a new circle.  One, in all honesty, where I belong and one I wouldn’t trade for the world. 

My writing picked up again when I was in college because I found a new passion for writing.  It wasn’t all about the  emotion.  It became about the voice.  The ability to put down not my fear or my pain, but my opinion.  Some may ask if they are the same but they’re not.  After college I moved in with some friends where my writing went back to the passionate emotions.  It was a revival of something I had lost and found again.  That became a big part of my writing in general for a few years to come.

When I moved back home I was not the most pleasant person.  I was growing cold and bitter.  My writing was born from an even more raw level of emotion that I had yet to see.  I put all that energy and came to the first real outline of my book I’d been trying for for so long.  Slowly though the pain faded and I was left with a rough outline and a couple rough draft story summaries.  The writing died off with a job I was unnsatisfied with and a feeling of discontent.  Then I moved.  The Pacific.  My first real day there my friend took me to see it.  Monterey.  The beautiful big blue brought me quite the calm I needed. 

I was living happy.  Doing computer work again and right down the road from my calming waves.  When she came back into my life it was disarray inside.  A feeling of conflict.  I still believe the right side one and I made the right decision in asking her to live with me.  The disarray that preceded this movement brought back a lot of the writing passion.  Jarrett can prove that, he even commented on how much I sunk back into my writing.  When I finally made the leap out here I was confident in what I felt.  I made the move for Kat.  I knew I was in love.  I still am.

Lately my writing has reached a point where its not what I want out of it in the long run but for now I’m content with every aspect other then I’m not posting on zemation.com as much as I would like.  I like having the voice.  Right now most of my writing is engulfed in personal issues and mainly being driven by emotion that even actually helped the voice too.  It was a good union.  Most of my writing lately as been on the me blog, not the zemation blog. 

Had a lot to express.  The one person who doesn’t believe me on anything is the one I think should.  I’m pretty honest.  I don’t go out of my way to lie.  I’ve said this before.  Lying is more work then truth.  So where I have to talk is this platform.  It’s hard too because I think I’m very honest. 

Now, what the fuck.  I have been trying to do things right.  I’ve have showed where I have been trying only to be told I do nothing with nothing to back up the argument.  Nobody wants to see me upset or bitter again.  I definately don’t think I’m being selfish.  I’m trying to compromise with out using the same old arguments of you’re just gonna do this.  I give people the chance to do something in a different way.  It’s not my fault if they don’t.  I stand justified in the fact that I’m trying.  I’m not perfect but I am trying and like anybody when your efforts are belittled for selfishness you tend to not want to do anything. 

Believe what you want to anymore people.  I don’t fucking care.  I’m quite confident in who I am and what I want and when I’m told I’m not trying to compromise when everything I do is a compromise.  Caring disappears replaced with hurt and cold and bitterness.  I’m sorry I don’t have the ability to fully not care.  I’m sorry it’s not that easy for me to walk away and make it all about me.  I’m here.  I’m trying to compromise.  The times are changing, the situation is changing and with it the relationship will grow and change.  I’m up to the challenge of changing for the betterment of myself and my family.  This here is my written testament to that.  I can give it.  Anybody can do the same.  So I want you to ask yourself when it comes to your life.  Can you make the sacrifice?  I can.  And I will continue to prove it no matter what the naysayers who don’t know me or don’t believe me say.

Can you do the same.  Can you compromise in front of the world.  I can because I’m confident in my honesty and integrity.  As the old saying goes, Here I am…. if you question it…. Bring it.  Nobody really can though but I’ll take on all comers.  Question me.  Bring it.

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